The War of My Life

When I was in high school I had an embarrassing obsession of the Backstreet Boys. Don’t get me wrong, I loved *NSYNC and 98° as well but Kevin Richardson was the one who made my heart beat faster. Then I got to college and became a little angsty so I started listening to Death Cab for Cutie and The Postal Service but my heart was truly with the singer song-writers. Enter “Love Song for No One” and my love for John Mayer was born. I played him over and over until my CD wore thin. I loved him so much that for our wedding present Marc got me tickets to see him on our honeymoon in London. Over the last few years he hasn’t been as prominent in my playlist but like a first love he will always have a piece of my heart. Please go ahead and listen to this song while you read the rest of this post:

I do not remember anything from my coma which is weird because I was awake the day after they put me under. I was intubated but I used my phone to communicate with those around me. I apologized to the nurses for arguing with them the night before (I laughed when I heard this because that is just SO ME to do!) My notes app on my phone contains notes saying, “Will we be able to have kids?” “I’m out of it” “I’m very thirsty” “Take the boys to the Easter Bunny.” I didn’t remember any of this and so I was quite amused reading through them when my family told me. Later that day I deteriorated so much that they determined they had to put me in prone position on my stomach in attempt to ameliorate the fluid in my lungs. It was their Hail Mary. I was on my stomach for 18 hours before the could flip me back over and from that point on I slept for three more days. While I slept they played music for me constantly. My poor mom thought she might lose her mind, if not from me being in a coma, then from the country music she was being forced to listen to. Sorry, Mom, but I love it!

When I woke up I had a tune in my head that I could not place. I could hear John Mayer singing but I could not find the song. It was from one of his albums that I was not as familiar with and so I googled and googled but I could not figure it out. Then it randomly came up on my phone and I listened to it on repeat. I googled the words. And then I cried for a long time. Here are the lyrics:

“War Of My Life”

Come out Angels
Come out Ghosts
Come out Darkness
Bring everyone you knowI’m not running
I’m not scared
I am waiting and well prepared

I’m in the war of my life
At the door of my life
Out of Time and there’s nowhere to run

I’ve got a hammer
And a heart of glass
I got to know right now
Which walls to smash

I got a pocket
Got no pill
If fear hasn’t killed me yet
Then nothing will

All the suffering
And all the pain
Never left a name

I’m in the war of my life
At the door of my life
Out of time and there’s nowhere to run

I’m in the war of my life
At the core of my life
I’ve got no choice but to fight ’til it’s done

No more suffering
No more pain
Never again

I’m in the war of my life
At the door of my life
Out of time and there’s nowhere to run

I’m in the war of my life
I’m at the core of my life
Got no choice but to fight ’til it’s done
So Fight on, fight on everyone, so fight on
Got no choice but to fight ’til it’s done

I’m in the war of my life
I’m at the core of my life
I’ve got no choice but to fight ’til it’s done

Although I cannot remember anything from my coma I know that I was listening. Because if I wasn’t, how would it be this song that I had to find when I woke up? When I first found it listened to it over and over the way I first listened to John Mayer and then I had to put it away. I could not listen to this song that reminded me of those awful days. But now I can listen to it again… because I didn’t have a choice but to fight and I did. I fought and I won.
Love,
Audrey
#PSdontusetampons

One thought on “The War of My Life

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