Dear 2015,

You have been a year of…learning. So much more learning that I ever wanted to do. You have educated me, 2015. I feel knowledgable now. Can you do me a solid and tell 2016 I’m smart enough?

I know you won’t. Life is kind of a bitch that way. I will keep having many learning moments whether I would like to or not. I suppose all I can do is use them, grow from them, share them. So here’s what I have learned:

Family is everything. I mean it. There is not one single thing that is more important than your family. Whether your family consists of your blood, your friends, your dogs, cats or all of the above, cherish them. Love them fiercely. Do not take them for granted. Don’t love them quietly. Make it a loud, noisy thing so that they don’t have to just know they are loved. Make them feel loved. Make them hear it. Even during those times when they seem like they are good and don’t need to hear it. More importantly in those times when they are giving you every reason not to love them. Love them more. You will never regret love. Even if it can be messy and painful; you have everything to gain and nothing to lose from loving. Even if all you gain are lessons.

People will surprise you. In the best ways possible and the most heartbreaking. You have no control over that. In fact, it seems that we have little control over anything beyond our own actions. We discuss that a lot in therapy. I can only control my expectations. There have been so many people that have been there for me in ways that I could never have imagined. There have also been tears as I realized that sometimes you will have to lower the bar. Sometimes you won’t be able to lower the bar enough. This is the hardest truth but if you can accept it, I mean truly accept it, you can find ways to move forward in that new version of your old relationships.

Some times bad things just happen and all you can do is your best. I have to tell myself this all the time. I don’t know why I got sick and I don’t believe that there is a reason for it. I don’t know why I survived but I am hoping there is a good reason for that. I am tired, and tired of being tired. I feel like I’m never doing my best…but I’m slowly realizing that my best right now is just different from what my best used to be. I’m adjusting to this new normal. Some days I’m a bit more forgiving towards myself, some days I am my own worst enemy. All I can do is keep trying.

This year I want to be happy and healthy. I don’t have any huge goals for 2016. I would like to run again and lift some weights. I want to take care of myself and the people I love. I want to laugh more. I want to cry less. I want to send out as much light and love as I can. Maybe I will do more yoga and eat more salads. Maybe I will sleep a little less. I hope that I can stop remembering horrible things from last April so vividly. I would love to feel fresh and new again. It’s a beautiful thing, this option to live each day as a new one. Something about a New Year just makes everything feel possible again. Adios, 2015. I am very happy to say goodbye to you. I will take your lessons as I move forward into 2016.

Love,

Audrey

#PSdontusetampons